A new
point opened up recently within walking my Journey to Life, where, I was
confronted with a specific pattern that I have been living since my teenage
years in my thoughts, words and deeds that has constituted a large part of my
entire personality and experience of 'who I am' in this world and reality.
The
pattern revealed itself while someone was showing and teaching me specific
exercises that would assist me in relation to playing squash and moving myself
around the squash court most effectively, because as I was playing I noticed
that I would become 'static' often, in that I would just stand there in the
middle of the court watching the ball being returned to me by the other player
and then bounce off the wall, without me actually moving my feet to go and get
it.
So, it
was while this person was showing me these specific exercises, that the words
'express yourself' were mentioned, specifically in relation to a movement where
I had to push myself off the ground by using my arms and they noticed that I
didn't fling my arms up into the air all the way, but that I limited my arms'
expression by only flinging them up to my chest and then locking them. Then
they showed me to fling my arms up in the air in a fluent round movement where
the arms go all the way up and they said that I should 'express myself' within
that movement - implying that I shouldn't lock my arms but rather use the full
movement to create 'momentum' in throwing my body up in the air.
While
we were busy doing this, I suddenly started feeling very dizzy to the point
where I had to go sit down and I couldn't focus clearly on what this person was
saying or showing to me anymore - and, after investigating this experience of
dizziness that suddenly came up within myself, what I found was that it was
related to an emotional reaction within myself that I experienced to the words
'express yourself'. Where, upon looking into what went through my mind in the
moment that I heard those words, I saw that I reacted to the image of me
flinging my arms up into the air while jumping, with a resonant memory in my
mind of the character/personality that I used to express and experience myself
within during my teenage years - where I used to extensively judge people's
expression and if I would see someone expressing themselves in a way that - in
my perception - is not in alignment with how people normally would express or
behave themselves, I would use words like 'they're so ridiculous' or 'how stupid'
-- and I would essentially ridicule them in my mind and with my group of
friends to make myself feel superior towards this individual and their specific
expression and behavior.
I mean, I
am not 'that person' anymore, from the perspective that throughout the years of
growing into adulthood, I have suppressed that kind of 'nastiness' within
myself because I had made the decision that I want to be seen as a 'good
person', meaning the kind of individual that doesn't judge others - yet,
clearly, this character/persona still exists within myself as part of my
perception and experience of my reality, like a separate entity in my
subconscious mind that determines and defines the way that I define and
experience myself in relation to my reality without me being aware of it.
For
instance, just because this character in my subconscious mind goes 'that is
ridiculous', when I see the movement of throwing the arms into the air while
jumping, I will 'choose' to not do the movement and to rather go and sit down
because within this character in my mind I have connected the word 'ridiculous'
with an experience of inferiority and I fear feeling inferior therefore I am
not going to do anything that anyone could possibly judge as being
'ridiculous'.
So,
within this dynamic that I am observing in how my internal experiences and
reactions to my external environment are directing and influencing my
expression in my world and reality - I see that the existence and presence of
this specific character/persona of judging 'expression' within and of myself
and others, is causing me to limit myself extensively in how I live my life
here in this world. I mean, when I have a look at how this character in my
subconscious mind has been influencing and directing my behavior and decisions
throughout my life so far, then I find that every time I found myself around
people, or if there was a possibility that someone may see me, I would just not
do anything.
Not do
anything from the perspective that I wouldn't allow myself to for instance do
something spontaneously, or just because I felt like or was interested in doing
it in that moment. I would not allow myself to try new things, take any form of
initiative or do anything that involved me expressing 'myself' within something
that I would stand Alone in - because, within my experience, that would be like
taking the risk of 'exposing' myself to the judgment and ridicule of 'other
people' -- 'other people' being actually in fact me as the character that I
have accepted and allowed to exist within my own subconscious mind.
When I
see and realize just how much I have essentially given my life away to the fear
of this character that exists in my subconscious mind, I can clearly state that
even though I feel and experience and believe that 'I am not this person
anymore', it still very much exists within myself - so much so that it governs,
defines and determines how I live my life in this world and reality. So, me
stating within myself that 'I am not this character' is actually a statement of
Fear, made from the starting point of judging this character as somehow 'bad',
wherein I basically did not want to accept this part of myself, as the fact
that yes indeed I did behave in such a self-centered and self-righteous way,
and I did believe that I was superior to everyone who I personally judged as
'ridiculous' and I did express this perceived superiority towards those people.
So, at
some point I started judging this behavior as something that is 'bad', and
began suppressing this reality of myself as my own past, my own internal
tendencies and thought patterns, without in any way understanding how they
exist or why and how it is that I had become that way. And it is because I have
never made the effort to rather investigate myself from the starting point of
understanding how I have come to exist in this specific way within myself and
thus understanding Who I really actually am essentially, that I basically
allowed it to continue existing within myself and without noticing, allowed it
to take over my entire perception of reality, from the perspective that I am
now seeing this character everywhere around me and I am experiencing myself as
the victim of it.
This was then a
general overview of what I have found within myself in relation to the question
of Why it is that I limit my expression - as a point that I was confronted with
in one moment while I was doing specific movements that activated specific memories
in my subconscious mind.
In Part 2 I will
further explore and investigate this question from the starting point of
finding Solutions to this Problematic Mental Programming of the Human Mind that
I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself and have given complete
power and control over my life and living - so that I can actually start to
release myself from the past as dysfunctional preprogramming and start living
and expressing myself as the directive principle of and within my life here in
this physical existence.
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